Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Handling the death of a friend overseas...

Dealing with death never has, and never will be, a walk in the park. It is something that ravages our heart regardless of age. It makes both the young and old cry. The only thing age brings is more experience in handling death and perhaps the ability to find better coping methods for the pain.

The death of someone close to you is terrible enough at home, surrounded by others mourning and with the ability to lean on life-long friends and loving family for support. Coping with death in a foreign country you only recently moved to is another matter entirely.  The people whom I’ve long considered closest to me were thousands of miles away and work made it impossible to return home for the funeral.  For someone like myself, who passionately loathes crying in front of anyone, even if we are very close friends, dealing with the death someone close to me took on a whole new level of difficulty.

For reasons very clear to me, yet difficult to articulate to others after the fact, I had let none of my closest friends in Japan know that I had a friend back home dying of terminal cancer.  I quite frankly immensely dislike letting people past a certain trust threshold, and this was something terrible and I felt it was my burden to bear because none of them knew her.  Living in a happy-go-lucky community can have its downsides; one of which is that you are friends with so many people yet opening up about really big problems can be quite difficult. Especially when you know news has a habit of invariably spreading to people it never was meant to be shared with, creeping from one set of loose lips like cigarette smoke meant to hurt no one but bothering everyone.  I was certain that if I told one person it would soon mean that everyone near to me would know and next thing I knew everyone would be walking on eggshells around me, or worse, asking me about it.  This was the last thing I wanted.

However, as the situation back home became harder and harder to cope with because my friend’s cancer resulted in a long and unfortunately drawn-out death.  Soon I was invariably faced with a dilemma: I wanted no one to know about my problems, but I was falling apart and holding everything tenuously together with a smile. I began dealing daily with a dangerous dance of emotions under a mask of normalcy in attempt to convince everyone, and I include myself here, that I was ok.  As I’m sure you can expect, people began to notice. I’m a terrible liar; it’s both a curse and a blessing.  I guess my friends clued in that something was up when I stopped drinking at parties (does this make me sound like an alcoholic lol?) and began a downright insane nightly running regime. If there is one upside to the terrible situation of my friend’s passing it was that I realized how many people here care about me.  The people closest to me started asking questions, and when they kept asking, eventually my resolve to keep my secrets started to waver and so bit-by-bit I revealed what was happening.  Those that I confided in accepted me through the thick and the thin and although they didn’t realize the enormity of the whole situation they stood by me.  

So here’s what I learned about what works for me when dealing with death while living abroad:

1) Find at least one confidant. 

Dealing with it alone, or only with people back home, is simply just not going to cut it. You need people to help you living in your time-zone and who can give you a real hug. 



2) Pursue a hobby you can throw yourself into.  

For me this was running, but keep it reasonable. A newbie-runner running 5km+ a night, every night = not reasonable. I found running particularly useful, because it also helped to put some of my anger towards better use.


3) Distractions such as spontaneous holidays are great, spontaneous relationships are not. 



You’re emotionally vulnerable at this time, and all those painful lessons that life taught you in the past about avoiding assholes who just want to mess around with you.…..well, let’s just say you might be likely to forget those lessons. I can pretty much guarantee that with your current state of mind (combined with wearing rose-colored glasses) chances are high that this so-called “great guy” is actually a “bad boy”. So, while the excitement of a new romance to take your mind off your problems is tempting to be sure, let me remind you heartache also does a good job of distracting you, just maybe not in the way you wanted. Wait until you've gotten over the worst of your grieving. Opt instead for a spontaneous holiday!!! 


4) Culture shock during this time is going to be magnified so be careful. 

During this period, culture shock has a nasty way of sneaking up on you and making you just want to plop yourself down on the floor like a toddler in a grocery store and bawl your little heart out. Little things that would normally never have bothered you don’t feel quite so “little”.  Have something ready for those moments when you feel close to a melt down or when it feels overpowering. My saving grace was piping hot cups of tea and a really truly excellent music playlist.

5) Find joy in the little things. 

At the beginning it’s going to be rough and perhaps every day it’s going to be difficult to roll out of bed and force yourself to go to work. It’s important however to smile, and I promise you that you can with the right outlook and positive thinking. The day after my friend passed away the last thing I wanted was to go into work, but as I lay there in bed staring blankly at the alarm clock I remembered that it was Halloween and my students were excited about the Halloween Party I had promised them.  The thought of how disappointed they would be to not have that party loaned me the strength to get out the door. It was the best thing I could have done. During the party they were so happy that for the first time in my teaching career that I received hugs from all of my students.  It was enough to almost move me to tears and exactly what I needed to remind me that life was going to be ok.



Writing this post has helped me to give closure to one of the roughest periods of time in my life. I’m not finished grieving but the worst of the pain has ebbed. Dealing with the darkness of death helps us to become stronger and to truly appreciate all that is good in our lives: a future that we can claim as our own, the knowledge that regardless of where we are in the world we have people who care about us and that life is a precious gift meant to be lived to the fullest and enjoyed.  

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Spontaneous Holiday Weekend in Yokohama



At times I grow frustrated and wonder why it seems life is never simple and never easy. A domino tumble of bad luck seemed to begin the second I stepped off beautiful Sado Island. Try as I might to resume my peaceful life in Fukui, stress stole my sleep away.   It seemed like at every turn frustration lay in wait, a tiger with a twitching tail just ready to pounce and puncture my little bubble of happiness.

I love my happy, quiet and at times crazy life in rural Japan, don’t get me wrong! Typically I’m one of those “annoyingly optimistic” types (to quote my friends), looking on the bright side of life every single day. However, sometimes, what I like to call “social cabin-fever” can take its toll on your sanity. I knew I needed a break, an escape from all of my life’s drama…

So I did what any sane person would do, I ran away from my problems for a weekend.

Now just hush those thoughts about this not being what a responsible adult would or should do and listen. Life is messy.  Sometimes a spontaneous holiday is EXACTLY what you need to remind yourself that everything’s going to be ok. So many people believe that traveling needs to be mapped out, every step of the day perfectly pre-planned and premeditated. I would argue the opposite. From my personal experience it’s been my unexpected adventures, the times I followed an insane impulse, that have resulted in the most enthralling experience.  I suspect this is because you wake up somewhere new where you have no plans for the day and when you open your eyes and lay there in bed wondering like a child would on Christmas what the world has in store for you that day? 

A feeling of infinity and limitless floods your senses, every moment seems so full of possibility…. and you realize that you can do anything you damn well please.  So you bound from that bed to seize the day, and think to yourself that today is YOUR day and this new city is your oyster! 

Yes, I hopped on a train with zero-to-no planning and disappeared on my own for a long weekend in Yokohama.  Yes, there were moments were I questioned my sanity.  Never, however, once I arrived in Yokohama did I regret that crazy compulsion. Yokohama was wonderful and I hope that this guide helps you enjoy the city as much as I did.


I have been fascinated with the history of the Meiji Era in Japan for a long time, the period when Japan opened its doors for the first time to the West.  Yokohama therefore drew me like a moth to a flame. The city from what I understood was seeped in history because it was one of the major port cities during that era and one of the cities most affected by Western influence.


TOP THINGS TO DO IN YOKOHAMA:

#1 - Tour the Hikawamaru

  • At a time when sailing was the only means of traveling abroad overseas the Hikawa Maru was a luxury passenger ship that crossed the Pacific Ocean.  During the course of its 30 years of service this ship crossed the Pacific 254 times and was used during World War II as a hospital ship.   Its history was fascinating and touring it helped me get a real feel for Yokohama as a city.  It’s well worth the time and the very reasonable admission price of 400 yen.

#2 - Explore and eat your way through Chinatown  

  • The Chinatown in Yokohama is the largest in Japan and one the largest in the world. This area is a veritable treasure chest of Chinese food if you’re a foodie like me.


#3 - Visit the Yokohama Red Brick Warehouse Area 

  • Putter around this historical shipping building that is today used as a cute shopping and dining complex

#4 - Relax in the Manyo Minato Mirai Onsen 

  • Pamper yourself in a beautiful and highly relaxing onsen that overlooks the Yokohama harbor. At night it’s simply magical because you can take a bath overlooking the glowing Yokohama Harbor.  There is even a little foot bath on the very top floor for everyone to use that overlooks the famous Yokohama ferris wheel.

#5 - Walk along the harbor and through Yamashita Park 

  • To get a true feel for the city of Yokohama this is an absolute must. So lace those walking shoes up and throw those sunglasses on and stroll away I guarantee you'll love it.

Dream Day Itinerary


  • Start by taking the train to Motomachi-Chukagai Station 
  • Explore Chinatown.  Be sure to try freshly fried up sheng jian bao dumplings which are all the rage in Yokohama’s Chinatown these days. The most famous store is Wanchuchin.
  • Be careful however, it's with good reason these little tasty wonders are responsible for more ruined shirts than any other food here! They are served pipping hot, and are filled with a succulent oily broth that is any shirt's worst nightmare.  Biting into the slightly tough crust results in an explosion of broth that, if you are lucky and very careful, will hit the bottom of your tray and not your clothes.  If you don't believe me just watch the videos playing outside the food stalls, talk about "Yokohama funniest home videos"!  
Freshly fried up sheng jian bao dumplings. Itadakimasu!
    Mooncakes

I would also recommend picking up souvenirs here, if like me you have Japanese coworkers. Manchuin is very highly regarded so that was where I bought mine.

My top recommendations for omiyage are:
1) mooncakes 
2) almond cookies

After exploring Chinatown wander up towards the foreign area of Yokohama and see the Harbor View Park, the Yokohama Foreign General Cemetery and enjoy looking at the various foreigner houses. Be sure to look out for the flags in the Harbour View Park that are a tribute to Studio Ghibli’s Movie “From Up On Poppy Hill” which was set in Yokohama.
  • From this hill, leisurely meander down towards the harbor and walk along the harbor.
  • Stop to tour the Hikawa Maru, a famous icon of the Yokohama harbor.
  • Continue walking west along the harbor.  Keep your eyes open for the famous statue of the little girl with the red shoes.
  • Soon you’ll come to the Osanbashi Pier, which is worth walking along.
  • At around this time you’ll start to feel a little puckish so why not make a beeline to the red brick warehouse where you can find delicious food and do a little shopping.
  • After that I went to the Yokohama World Porters shopping center for some delicious ice cream and to enjoy the Hawaiian shopping town.
  • Cap off your busy day with a visit to the Yokohama Minato Mirai Manyo Club. You’ll feet will be tired after a long day walking so go ahead an pamper yourself.  
    • I treated myself to the 50 minute Chinese-Amoistyle Oil Therapy (cost 5,980 yen), followed by spending an hour lounging in the open air bath overlooking the lit up Yokohama Harbor and finished off with a foot bath on the 8th floor. At night time the Yokohama ferris wheel is beautiful lit up so it’s very peaceful up there.